What'll I Do
by Gaddison
Summary: My attempt to write what I'd like to see in Season 10 with Callie and Arizona. Starting with the argument at the end of 9x24...
1. Chapter 1

**From the writer:** The season 9 finale with Callie and Arizona was a shocker, and to me, it hit straight to the gut, out of the blue! Maybe I'm not able to empathize adequately enough with the symptoms of PTSD, but to me… it was just so inconsistent with the character of Arizona. I couldn't buy that Arizona would cheat with Lauren. I can empathize with the temptation, but could not believe the writers let her go through with it. It was so unlike the character they've molded for the past 4 seasons.

So this story is what I wish would happen in season 10. And I know it will probably not be handled the way I'm going to write it - as I've read, Callie handles the initial reaction with a lot more anger. So I'm going to take a little different approach and write where my brain is headed. It will (hopefully) be a roller coaster of emotions, but fear not… I will lead us safely home. I'm a sucker for happy endings, what can I say?

Hoping this will turn into 20 or 30 chapters, with sequels. :) It's also my very first attempt at fanfic, or short-story writing. So feel free to critique! Be gentle…

**About This Chapter…** I'll admit I have no beta reader, so I hope there aren't too many typos…And I realize this first chapter isn't much of a start, but hang in there.

**Chapter 1**

"Apparently, I lost you."

And just like that, Callie felt the reality of what she had just said settle down onto her like a blanket. Tears continued to slide down her cheeks, cool and wet against the warm flush of her skin. She felt the seconds stretch on and felt the emptiness of her prophetic statement settle into her gut.

Arizona could feel the air leave her chest at Callie's words. The calm finality, the defeated tone, spoken against the backdrop of a deafening storm lashing against the windows of the break room.

Arizona opened her mouth to speak, working her jaw, feeling the dryness in her mouth, but nothing came out. It was like being dropped head-first into icy waters. Her ears rang, her skin burned; the physicality of hearing her worst fear verbalized, of the shock hitting her resolutely, her body absorbing it like a wave impacting the muscles, shortening the breath, debilitating her where she stood.

She could not move. She could not think.

"No… It's not... I don't think… that's not how…" Arizona stammered, lost for words, shaking her head, struggling to respond quickly and adequately.

Callie swallowed and took a deep breath. She looked at the woman standing opposite her, whom she loved more than her own life, truly, wholeheartedly. And in that second, she understood more about her love for Arizona than she ever had. She saw clearly through the tears how events were put into motion to bring them to this moment. And in that moment of defeat and a sense of impending grief, she surrendered.

"I'm sorry," Callie whispered.

Arizona heard her wife speak suddenly, but too softly. "What?"

Callie took another breath, and let it out slowly. "I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry." She paused as the tears picked up again, flowing steadily but quietly, swallowing down the lump that had risen in her throat.

"I should've told you that a long time ago. You counted on me. I made you a promise. You counted on me, and I let you down," Callie said. "I'm so sorry Arizona. So damn sorry."

Arizona felt numb, and she had no idea how to respond. All the rage, all the anger that had bubbled to the surface was gone now. It had changed form, morphed into a pang of a sadness, like a heavy toxin coursing through the bloodstream, weighing down her arms and carrying with it an ache so heavy that it settled into her stomach like a brick.

Before Arizona could respond, Callie shifted her weight and looked up.

"I'll, uh… I'm gonna go check on Sophia and then look for another cot somewhere. We, uh…" She paused, swallowing down the lump that had risen in her throat. She wanted to be done crying in front of Arizona.

"… We're not supposed to leave the hospital right now, so I'm gonna go try and get some sleep."

She felt deep in her core that she had to move quickly lest she lose her nerve. She back-stepped to the couch behind her, grabbing the hospital pillow and slinging a blanket over her arm. She moved slowly, but purposefully toward the door.

"Callie, wait… ok? Please. Callie…" It came out hoarse, not much louder than a whisper. But Callie kept moving even though she heard the quiet pleas to stop. She felt the tears start to form again in her eyes as she pushed the door open and stepped out into the hallway.


	2. Chapter 2

**About this chapter…** Thanks for sticking with this! I'm going to take Callie on a bit of a direction I don't think they'll explore when season 10 actually airs, so bear with me. Callie's personality is fiery and larger than life… and she also has a bit of a temper. I've read that she reacts pretty angrily to the infidelity in the first few episodes but I hope they do not reduce her to just that one emotion. I'd like to see that she's matured and evolved, and that both she and Arizona have more layers than just the initial gut-punch reactions. Having said that, I don't expect Callie to cower either. So I'm going to take that idea and run a little with it. :-)

**Chapter 2**

Arizona felt almost light-headed. She swayed a little where she stood, her good leg throbbing almost as much as her bad one. She shuffled over to her cot, knees folding, and dropped down onto the surface.

Exhaustion and all the activity of the day rushed at her and swiftly took over. She could feel the sobs start in her chest and work their way up and out as she buried her face in her hands. Not even caring that she was still in a hospital break room where anyone could walk in at any minute, she started to cry. She did nothing to stop it, and allowed it to come, taking gulping breaths between hiccuping sobs, and cried like she hadn't done for nearly a year.

Everything that had happened in the last 24 hours replayed in her head over and over, and the scenes with Lauren felt like a bad movie. Flashes of moments where unfamiliar hands touched her, unfamiliar lips kissed hers, and she had recklessly charged forward with it, defiantly acting on an impulse that had been taunting her for days. She would control something; she needed to control something, though she didn't understand why at the time, and certainly didn't now. Every part of her body ached with regret. And the harder she cried, the more nauseated she became, until she finally lurched forward and grabbed the nearest trash can, wrenching and dry heaving for what felt like an eternity. As the spams slowed and finally stopped, she wiped her face on her sleeve. Her body was exhausted, her mind was exhausted. She shrugged off her lab coat and shoved it under her cot, collapsing onto the thin mattress and pulling the blanket over her. She curled up onto her side, her mind slowing almost as a matter of self-preservation, a defense mechanism against the grief that was beginning to invade. Sleep quickly came, numbing all that ached, the tears still wet upon her cheeks.

Callie stepped off the elevator and turned the corner. Every fiber of her being felt composed, if only temporarily from the adrenaline, and there were no sobs and no tears. She had one objective, an intended target, a reason for walking with a purposeful step. As she closed in on the hall coming out of the NICU, she saw her. Her chest tightened and her muscles twitched anxiously, though at the same time, she felt surprisingly calm.

Lauren Boswell was finishing up the last notes on the chart of the patient she'd volunteered to oversee. She hadn't heard anyone come up beside her until she saw movement out of the corner of her eye. Callie Torres stepped up beside her and stopped, leaning on the NICU desk, and resting her hands on the cool surface. Lauren's stomach lurched.

Callie kept her eyes forward and her voice casual and low.

"I have absolutely no idea what you were thinking, but I know everything that you did. If she were truly in love with you, I would let go and give her my blessing. I love her that much." Callie took a deep breath before continuing. She kept her voice even and almost nonchalant so that to anyone in close proximity would think they were merely having a casual conversation.

"But she was nothing more to you than a conquest; a trophy. You care nothing about her. You knew she was married, yet you pursued her. Relentlessly. That shows disrespect toward me, our daughter, and especially toward Arizona. You pursued her with complete disregard, yet full, calculated intent. So you should listen very carefully to what I'm about to say to you."

Callie turned now to look at Lauren, casually, yet she felt her skin prickle with an almost deadly energy. Lauren turned as well, locking in on a pair of brown eyes dangerously calm.

"You will stay away from her. You will give her space. Your continued presence in our lives is a menace, a problem. If I see or hear of you going anywhere near her again, I will absolutely and positively solve that problem. Do you understand me?"

Lauren shifted her eyes away and cleared her throat. "Look, Dr. Torres… I'm not sure what you think happened between Dr. Robbins and I, but…" Lauren began, but Callie cut her off.

"No. No… You do not get to respond. You do not get to talk. You will not try to bullshit me with your pathetic attempt to cover up what you did. I am fully willing to lose my job tonight, but it is in your best interest to not tempt me into doing that. Do you understand what I'm telling you?"

Lauren caught onto the thinly veiled threats and knew to gracefully exit this conversation, which was turning more heated and into a losing situation with someone who was dangerously close to crossing a line.

"Understood, Dr. Torres."

Callie let out a breath and nodded, turning nonchalantly and walking out of the NICU and back to the elevators. Her one task was complete, her one goal done and over, the one thing she knew she needed to do before she could have any hope of getting some rest tonight. She felt the fatigue begin to creep back in as she headed for the North wing of the hospital - the opposite side her wife would be staying in - to find an empty bed, or couch, or anything remotely private. She was tired, and could no longer think or process any new information. She needed rest, she needed an escape, she needed to check out. She needed the peace that, right now, only sleep could provide.


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note:** Thanks to everyone for the great reviews! I'm still learning this site, so I have no idea how to respond individually to them (can you even do that?), but I agree with everyone who said to post longer chapters. I've been so excited to be writing (and I've had so little time to do it), I've just thrown up what's done, as soon as it's done. But today's post will be a little longer and I promise longer chapters in the future.

Keep the reviews coming and let me know what you think. And please keep in mind, I have no beta reader - so apologies up front for all the spelling errors and typos that might be in there. :-)

**Story Note:** I've got some different ideas about where I think Callie and Arizona could go with this storyline. I think when season 10 airs, Callie's anger is going to be a dominant factor but I'd really like to think she's evolved and can come to a point where she's capable of looking at Arizona with selflessness and empathy. I think there's more depth in a story where, after there's a devastating loss, there's a genuine effort on one person's part to be selfless and care about the well-being of the other, regardless of whether that person chooses to stay or go.

Many more chapters on this adventure to follow...

**Chapter 3**

Arizona awoke blinking her eyes, taking in a fairly unfamiliar room with darkness still outside its windows. Her left thigh cramping, she realized fairly quickly that she was in the exact same position she'd fallen asleep in. Tucked onto her left side, she had curled up into a ball and fallen asleep with her prosthetic still on. She rolled onto her back and sat up slowly, bracing herself with her hands behind her. It only took a split second to remember, for everything to come flooding back to her, exactly why she'd fallen asleep in that position.

She eased her prosthetic off and sighed, her muscles aching from having slept with it on. She used her thumb and began to massage her thigh just like Callie had done, in a memory that felt as if it had happened a hundred years ago. And it was then that fresh tears welled up in her eyes, silently rolling down one cheek, and then the next.

She could feel the sadness in the pit of her stomach. She felt as if someone had died. Maybe in a way, she thought, someone had. Because while she'd really felt she was beginning to level out, to feel normal again, there was a part of her she hadn't anticipated, that she didn't even know existed. It was a confusing and contradictory; it craved control and stability, yet sought out recklessness. It ached to return to the comforts of the past, yet it hurled her audaciously toward a future she didn't recognize.

She turned her wrist to look at her watch; it was nearly 3:30am. She remembered that it was near midnight when she and Callie had returned to the break room arguing, crying, fighting. She hadn't been asleep that long, so where was Callie? She glanced around the dark room at the other cots, but she was alone. Callie had obviously not come back, though Arizona didn't think she would have.

Arizona felt a mild amount of dread start to build… Would Callie have left? Gone home? Had she just had enough and bailed? The thought horrified her. Would she have taken Sofia? What was one of the last things she'd said to Callie? Something about grabbing a bone saw and evening the score? _My God, _she thought. _What have I done?_

Shaking the cobwebs out, she pulled her prosthetic back over and put it back on. She grabbed her lab jacket, stood up and headed for the door.

Arizona kept up a hurried pace; she'd checked the daycare and Sofia was there, thankfully, and sleeping soundly, so she was sure Callie hadn't left. She had covered most of the NICU floor, as well as the north and east PEDs wings. So far though, no sign of Callie. She made her way down to the ER and asked two frazzled-looking interns, but still no luck. No one had seen her recently, and when Arizona tried, Callie's cell phone went straight to voicemail.

Anxious thoughts whirled through her mind at what felt like a breakneck speed. _"Apparently, I lost you." _It played back over and over in her head, broken up only by her own words spoken to Callie mere weeks before; "_But I can't lose you."_ The fear of Callie leaving her had been so real, so palpable. Inside her head, she's rehearsed the speech to Callie over and over before laying out her

What was she going to say to Callie when she found her?

So she double-backed and headed toward the elevators that would take her upstairs to the surgery wing. She got there just as the doors were closing, but she reached out and slapped the "up" button anyway, causing the double doors to jerk to a halt and slide back open again. She looked up just as she was about to cross the threshold and stopped suddenly, locking eyes in a small group of people with the one person she had hoped to avoid.

"Going up, Dr. Robbins?" Lauren called out.

Caught off guard, she gathered herself in the split second it took her to backpedal out of the elevator and turn around. "Uh, no… No, thanks…" Arizona said as she turned her back and started back down the hallway.

She didn't look back, but the sound of quick-paced footsteps behind her told her what she'd feared would happen. As Lauren caught up, she reached out and snagged the back of Arizona's lab coat, slowing her to a stop.

"Hey, would you wait please? Listen, I'm not asking for the world here - I just need to talk to you."

Arizona turned to face Lauren, but gave a nervous scan left and right to make sure, God forbid, Callie should turn up.

"You know what, Lauren? There is really nothing to talk about. Please leave me alone. I made a serious mistake. I'm sorry…" Arizona started to turn away.

But not to be deterred, Dr. Boswell interrupted and took Arizona by the elbow, guiding her hurriedly over into an alcove and out of direct sight. "Listen, I'm assuming you told Callie about us. I gathered as much by the visit she paid me earlier.

Arizona's stomach flipped. "What? You talked to her?" She was a little alarmed at the thought. "What happened?"

"Well, she made it pretty clear that I wasn't to have any more contact with you. But she doesn't _own_ you, Arizona. You are no one's property. You and I have something together - we get one another. That's something that doesn't just happen, and I don't want to lose it."

Arizona sighed and shook her head. "Look… If I haven't been clear up to this point, then let me be clear now. I made a mistake. What we did? A complete and utter mistake. I'm sorry, but I cannot do this."

"Arizona, what we did was follow through on a connection I know you felt too. We connect in a way you obviously don't with her. I still want to see you. This doesn't have to end."

Arizona could barely believe what she was hearing. "Are you listening to yourself? I - am - _married_!" Arizona hissed.

Lauren pressed on. "To someone who makes you happy? C'mon, Arizona. Think about it. Listen, I know I've caused you some trouble here, and I'm sorry about that; I truly am. But I really, really hope you think about what I said. I don't want it to end like this. I want to see you again. I really hope you don't throw us away."

"Lauren - there is no 'us'. You and I are not a 'we', or an 'us', or anything other than my colossal lapse in judgement. This is not who I am. I've hurt Callie enough already and do _not_ want to think of my life without her. So please - _please_ - leave me alone."

Arizona stepped around Lauren, praying she wouldn't be followed. She picked up her pace, walking swiftly and with purpose, determined to find Callie.

* * *

The darkened 3rd floor lounge was deserted and quiet except for the even breathing of one person. Arizona stood inside the door, quiet and not moving, staring silently at the figure curled up on the couch. Callie was still in her scrubs from the night before and was wrapped up in a blue hospital blanket, facing the back of the couch, asleep. As she stepped closer, Arizona could see her eyes were closed but swollen, her breathing even, her posture almost fetal. She wondered if Callie had cried herself to sleep.

Again, Arizona could feel the tears start and the lump rise up in her throat. So much had happened in the last few weeks; so much in just the last twenty-four hours. As she looked down at Callie, she tried to feel angry at her, tried to recall all the reasons why she was so enraged in the first place. But it all seemed so distant now.

Anger was the go-to emotionfor Arizona whenever she was reminded of her missing limb. And she knew, logically, that it wasn't really gone. But for the life of her, even though she wanted to, she couldn't recall it, couldn't bring it to the forefront of her heart right now. Right now, all she could feel was sadness, profound and aching, knowing that without a doubt she'd hurt the person she loved most in the world. The gravity of it all, of the reality that her marriage to Callie might truly be over, felt like an iron weight pressing down on the center of her chest.

It was hard to move. It was hard to breathe.

Callie stirred slightly but remained asleep. Arizona looked at her watch - 4:12am. They had been up so late - surely Callie would sleep for several more hours. But what did she plan on doing when she woke up? _Apparently, I lost you… _Callie's words, her defeated tone, all of it kept playing in Arizona's head. For some reason, the possibility that Callie would give up on their marriage had not truly been real until that very moment. And the thought of losing Callie, of losing Sophia, of losing her family - it all made the loss of a leg seem insignificant in comparison.

Arizona felt in her pocket and pulled out one of her charting pens. She reached over onto a nearby table and picked up a piece of an old newspaper, tearing off a small section quietly. She wrote a few sentences and capped the pen, putting it back in her pocket. She gently laid the note on Callie's left arm, which was curled up by her face, thinking surely she would see it as soon as she opened her eyes.

The light from the morning filtered in through the vertical blinds of the lounge, draping benignly-colored walls with a blueish gray haze. The sun was still nowhere to be seen and the rain continued to fall in a steady downpour, but the silver of the cloud-colored sky was bright enough to reach inside the room to a dark-haired woman lying on a couch against the furthest wall.

Callie opened her eyes slowly, blinking and focusing. Her eyes were swollen and her mouth dry. She noticed the tint of the light coming into room had changed from pitch black to a bright grey, signaling that it must be well into the morning. Maybe she'd managed to stay asleep long enough to get a halfway decent night's rest.

She felt a little stiff, so she shifted her shoulders slightly as a small piece of paper fluttered down off of her arm and onto her chest. She picked it up and immediately recognized the familiar handwriting.

_"Please wake me when you get up. Don't leave. Please talk to me. I love you." _

Warm tears prickled at the back of her eyes. She'd never even known Arizona had been there, nor did she know how Arizona had known where to find her to begin with. In fact, that had been the point of picking this particular room, which was an old unused lounge as far away from the ER and surgical floors as she could find.

She rolled onto her back and turned her head to the rest of the room and immediately noticed a figure at the top of her peripheral vision. She turned and looked over at Arizona, curled up and sound asleep in an arm chair not two feet from Callie's head. _When had she come in? Had she been there all night? _

The icy anger in Callie's gut had lessened overnight, but had only morphed into a sickening feeling she could barely describe or wrap her head around. Never before had she felt this with George, or with Erica. She had cared deeply for both, loving them both, or so she'd thought, until Arizona had come along. With Arizona, what it meant to truly love another human being was suddenly clear to her. So even though her past loves had broken her heart, had both betrayed her in some way, she still had never felt profound sense of loss she was feeling now.

Slowly, Callie sat up. The couch creaked and made just enough noise to catch in Arizona's ear, waking her and startling her slightly.

Arizona jerked her head up slightly and hoarsely spoke even before she had fully opened her eyes. "Callie?"

"Right here." Callie replied. "How long have you been sleeping in that chair?"

Arizona glanced at her watch - it was 9:30am. "About five hours, I guess."

Callie nodded, looking down at her shoes. Her posture was guarded; she sat facing forward, with her arms hugging her stomach.

Feeling the silence, Arizona continued. "I'm sorry; I know you probably wanted your space. But I know you're not actually on call today, so I didn't want you to leave before we talked."

"Arizona… right now, I honestly can't even think of anything left to talk about that we didn't already cover last night." Callie looked up. "I was put in a situation where I had to make a choice about your leg. And given the chance, I'd make the same one again. I would save your life because one leg on the ground is better than two legs six feet under." Callie paused. "Even if you hate me for it, which is fine..."

Arizona interrupted, "Callie, please - you know I don't hate you. I don't think I'm even capable of feeling hate toward you. But I'm angry…I've so goddamn angry about everything. And I said some things last night, things in anger - and I'm not even sure where they came from."

Callie felt the cycle roll around again, of the same fight they've had time and time again. "But why are you still mad at me?!" Callie voice was pleading. "I understood it in the beginning, but it's been nearly a year!"

"I don't know, Callie! I don't, I… I know I shouldn't feel it, but I do. I can't even rationalize it…"

"That's because it's irrational! It's irrational and unreasonable - it doesn't make any sense!"

Arizona could feel her frustration, her anger, start to build again. She raised her voice to match Callie's. "Could you - for once - just hear me out on this? Even let me get a sentence finished! I'm not stupid, I'm not irrational…"

"Oh, no… No, you're not stupid, Arizona. What's stupid is us having this same conversation over and over and over again, and it never getting resolved." When Arizona didn't respond, Callie's voice dropped in volume, almost to a whisper, but there was a new bitterness in her tone.

"Did you at least get your ring back?"

"What?" Arizona asked.

"Your ring. Did you get your ring back, or does she still have it?"

Arizona swallowed the sickness she was feeling down to answer. "I have it." She held her left hand up so that Callie could see. "It's here… It's on my finger and I'm not taking it off."

Callie looked at it, then looked away, tears welling up quickly and dropping onto her cheeks.

"Where's yours?" Arizona whispered.

Still looking down, Callie reached up and thumbed the collar of her shirt to show the ring, still pinned to the fabric as it had been the day before. "Scrub top.

Callie could feel a sense of hopelessness start to settle back in; she honestly didn't see a solution. She didn't want to continue the same circular argument with Arizona, and she certainly didn't want to bring the conversation back around to Lauren Boswell. Her instincts told her to run, at least out of this room, so that she could have the space to think.

Callie wiped her eyes and stood up slowly. "I'm gonna go. I'm not on call today, so..."

"Where are you going?" Arizona didn't have the nerve to ask the question she'd been dreading.

Callie paused for a moment before answering. "Home. I'm just going home. I'm exhausted. Sophia should be up by now, so I'll pick her up and take her home with me."

"Will you be there when I get off work?" Arizona asked, fearing the answer but needing to know what direction this was all gonna go.

Even though Callie wanted some space, she cared enough about her wife to not play head games. She nodded, "Yes."

It felt odd to leave a room without hugging and kissing her wife goodbye. But the longer she stood there, the more it hurt to look at the woman who held so much of Callie's heart and being. So before she let Arizona see any more tears, Callie turned and didn't look back as she walked out the door.


End file.
